Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Self Control vs. Forgiveness

Well, my idea of blogging is not the average idea of blogging, I suppose. Forget picking a topic and sticking to it, I only do that in papers that I am forced to write for school or some other official purpose. My first experience with blogging was LiveJournal (and DeadJournal, haha). My purpose in writing anything at all is not so much to let other people read my writing as it is to have an outlet for all this noise inside my head. I have used traditional pen and paper since I was able to write, but the advent of the internet and online blogging changed that a little bit for me (after all, with all the crap I have had happen and all the moving I have done, I'd rather save my writing in the cloud).

As for this first entry on here, I was looking through my LiveJournal and realized how far I have come in the last 5 years. Even with my current regression into the land of "HEY! TEN VOICES IN MY HEAD AND NONE OF THEM ARE MINE!," I have come a long way. It has been a trying few weeks for me, and I am working very hard to overcome these demons. It was one thing when my biggest enemy was someone who lived with me; it is very easy for me to cut that type of person off, kick him out, and never have to deal with him again (except for the creepy stalkers, who typically require a bit more encouragement of the legal kind). It's another thing entirely to have my worst enemies be people outside my life who want to insert themselves between my boyfriend and me, and my boyfriend's attitude toward things, and my attitude toward things. Fuck the outsiders; they wouldn't matter at all if not for both his attitude and my attitude, and our attitudes are at complete odds with one another, at least in that area. I'm working on not letting it bother me, but it obviously does. My patience is significantly lower than it was five years ago...

I try and try to let things glide on by. I would be like a greased-up duck, except sometimes my grease gets too loaded down and gets things stuck in it. Even T.J. got dirty sometimes. So I try to keep things inside, but then my mouth fills up with stones that just drop out because they are too damn heavy. Occasionally, I just pick up weapons and throw them because I have lost all patience. I know it is absolutely no consolation to the people I throw them at, even though only one of those people matters; but I, at least, can look back at how completely, totally fucked I was five years ago and realize I have come a thousand miles from there. 

So it has come to the point where all I can do for myself is have patience and self-control, and all I can do for other people is pretty much the same. Forgiveness factors in there somewhere, but I can't do that until I have enough self-control. Forgiveness is one of those things that can only be achieved when you have enough self-control to never bring up the sore subject in a nasty manner again (and if someone you care about just simply never wants it brought up, either civilly or not, you have to take that into consideration as well). I don't see anything wrong with talking about a situation that needs rectified until it has been fully rectified, but if I am incapable of eventually getting pissed off while talking about it, there is no level of forgiveness there. There is also no civility.

I will work on forgiveness after I work on self control. :D


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