i don't think i ever realized, when i became a parent, the sheer number of sleepless, anxiety-filled nights i would endure. it's not endless and nonstop, at least to this extent, but there have been enough of these nights to make me wonder how i have survived this far with kids.
i know i can't protect them all the time, but the extent of my powerlessness in many cases has been hammered home to me over and over and over again. no matter what i do, i am incapable of keeping them safe, healthy, happy, and out of harm's way one hundred percent of the time. that is probably the worst feeling ever. forget having a broken heart; nothing is worse than having something happen to your child and knowing you were pretty much completely unable to prevent it. and then there's the part that wonders if you could, in fact, have done something.
oh well, things could be much worse. i'll just sit here sleepless for now and hope for better tomorrow.